In my part-time blogger, full-time daddy career I’ve become a little bit of an expert on a thing no man should be too familiar with. Costco.
The mega warehouse super store that sells everything–none of which you need–all at once. Aisle upon aisle of tightly packed merchandise greets you when you walk through the heavily secured entrance way. 700 pack of Double-AA batteries, $10,000 children’s playsets, live lobsters–also in 700 packs?–you don’t need it? They got it. The place is maddeningly addictive and utterly annoying at exactly the same time.
Don’t think Costco is cool? Ahem…this is an “exclusive” club. No membership card, no entrer. I’m sure that’s the reason for all the “security”–pretty much amounting to a collection of people who I’m positive couldn’t A. run me down or B. take me down if they could. Once you walk in, you’re eyed like Charlie Sheen at a strip club by a 62 year old retiree working the front door, who’s no doubt praying that you don’t have a card so she get some excitement in her life and can kick you out…or just send you to the membership counter.
If you make it past that obstacle, you get to weave by 5 packs of brooms (I’ve had 1 my whole life) and hoodies, sweatpants and jackets that scream out “I was bought at Costco” just to make your way to the food. If you’re lucky enough to get by the heard of aimlessly wandering humans wolfing down samples of mini-sliders, energy drinks and yogurt shakes, you might actually find the four things worth buying at costco. Frozen Chicken, diapers, milk and belgium cookies. Everything else is a waste.
Despite my superior knowledge of how to escape Costco’s evil clutches, here I find myself with a couple of kids in a cart overflowing with unwanted items such as 16 packs of tuna, industrial sized toilet paper, shingles for my brand new roof and a DVD collectors set of the Dukes of Hazzard. It’s like I walked into this mammoth deathtrap, temporarily lost all semblence of reason and walked out $300 poorer with just a 5 lb bag of beef jerky to show for it.
Want to know how I lost all respect for myself at Costco. I bought shoes there yesterday…a ten pack…got a good deal too!
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